My Independence Seems to Vanish in the Haze [Alix]

[dr. kamala avani lakshmi]

i'm not a robot without emotions
I'M NOT WHAT YOU SEE
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"When I was younger, so much younger than today,
I never needed anybody's help in any way,
But now those days are gone, I'm not so self-assured,
Now I find I've changed my mind and opened up the doors..."

Dr. Lakshmi groaned and smacked the 'off' button on the alarm clock. Not that she didn't enjoy the Beatles, but she was coming out of her first bout of sleep that had lasted for more than three hours in a week or two, and that always reduced her patience for most things.

Why was she even awake now? Today, there was something about today...verdammen, it was the stupid masquerade dance, and she had to chaperone. She screwed her eyes shut against the light and made a very unhappy noise. If it were up to her, she'd spend the whole day in bed, but -- she checked her watch. Contrary to what she would have liked, it was now three in the afternoon. She'd gotten a solid eight hours, then. She fumbled for her glasses on the bedside table and put them on her face.

Groaning, she swung herself out of bed. Gravity ensued and she realized about half a second too late that she hadn't actually been able to feel her legs when she'd woken up. She fell to the floor with a mighty crash - she couldn't feel any pain where she landed on her hip, but she knew it was going to hurt and bruise later. Her palms and wrists already hurt from where she'd managed to catch herself, and she hoped she hadn't sprained them.

Okay. This wasn't the end of the world. She'd had a few days like this. I was getting so much better, she thought miserably, allowing herself to stew for a minute. I hate this!

What were her options? The wheelchair...no good, it was in the closet, since she thought she'd been getting so much better so quickly. That'll teach my hubris, she thought, grimacing. She'd have to get to the closet first. An easy enough task, for someone who wasn't dragging a good portion of their body weight behind them as so much temporarily useless bone and muscle. And she didn't wear the damn Life Alert medallion, because she was too stubborn. Stupid thing was probably still in a box somewhere, given that she hadn't really unpacked. She may have slept in the dorm, but she didn't really live there.

What else was on the table? She had crutches...on the other side of the room. And the cane, tucked near the door. Wait. On the table! Her iPhone was on the table nearby. Granted, it was a tall table, and the thing was charging, but if she could get to it she could call someone and tell them that she couldn't chaperone the dance for personal reasons.

She stretched her shoulders as much as possible and began to Army crawl towards the table. It was slow going, and she was sure that she'd be treating some pretty awful rug burn on her stomach where her pajama shirt had slid up, but she was making progress. It took five minutes to reach the table, and she swatted at the leg to try and make the phone fall off. She'd kept the headphones in the jack, and she could maybe use those to drag it closer when it fell. When swatting at the table had no real effect, her temper flared and she yanked the leg to the side. The table toppled over, spilling its contents all over the bedroom (and thankfully not on her). The phone landed several feet away, still tethered to the wall, and she yanked on the headphones that had landed near her.

They flew right out of the phone's headphone jack. She let out half of a choice string of swear words before she heard the be-beep that meant that Siri was listening. She'd actually managed to do this at least somewhat right.

Not really. "--and your hellish noise!" she finished, and Siri beeped again, thinking.

"Calling Alixandre Delacroix, mobile," Siri said sedately.

"No! You infernal machine!" Kami shouted, and Army crawled with surprising speed over to the phone and hammered at the 'End Call' button. That done, she fell forward onto the carpet dramatically, completely exhausted. With any luck, he'd think she'd butt-dialed him or something.

She knew she had to call people to let them know she wouldn't be able to make it, but she really just needed to cry from frustration first.

Five minutes. That was all she would give herself. Then she needed to get back on the horse, so to speak.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
i've come to help you with your problems
SO WE CAN BE FREE

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tagged » Ren/Alix
words » 802
lyrics » mr. roboto - styx
music » Beatles playlist
notes » As usual, thread title/incidental music is relevant.

[alixandre rowan delacroix]

~ ♛ ~

IN YOUR HEAD, IN YOUR HEAD
T H E Y A R E F I G H T I N G



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Alix had been tossing and turning all night long. His issue with his feelings for Kami and the upcoming dance had left him a confused wreck. Why in the name of Satan was he feeling these things for her? Feelings of wanting to protect her from the world and the bad things in it. Wanting to be a gentlemen and help her with things. These were not normal Antichrist feelings and reactions. Especially given she broke the mold of his ‘type’ in a thousand different ways. But something about that dark, caramel skin and determined look she got in her brown eyes made everything not make sense. His suave, narcissistic behavior stuttered to a halt around her and he felt… weird around her. As all these things played hopscotch in his brain he didn’t even shut down until around eight o’clock this morning.

Since he was going to be chaperoning the dance that evening he had told Jeordie to handle the house and leave him alone to sleep. Somewhere around six Sarafina had burst in sobbing and saying Jeordie didn’t make her pancakes right and the flour-coated man had skittered in behind her and tried to shoo her out. Alix took one look at his best friend slash butler in a frilly, vintage apron he knew had to belong to Leyla and burst out laughing. He looked like someone had rolled him around in flour. Jeordie hurriedly explained that Sarafina had gotten mad and thrown the bowl of flour on him and then stormed into the bedroom. Alix nodded and told him to take Sarafina to IHOP and let him sleep.

Around three o’clock he was having an extremely inappropriate dream involving Kami when his phone burst out in the Type O Negative’s cover of Cinnamon Girl. His mismatched eyes snapped open and he struggled to make sense of the noise before he rolled over and grabbed his iPhone from the nightstand. He knew who it was instantly, Kami, since he’d set this as her ringtone. DAMNIT. How did she get her own ringtone? She had to have been some sort of Veela or Medusa, he lost all sense when he looked at her. He went to answer the phone and heard screaming from the other end. NO YOU INFERNAL MACHINE! He widened his eyes and said her name several times before the phone hung up. What was going on?! He didn’t even stop to think to call her back. Immediately he jumped up from the bed, thinking something was wrong, and began digging through his clothes.

He slipped on a Misfits tee and some pressed black jeans hanging in his closet followed by a pair of shin-high black combat boots. After tossing his wool blazer on and running a comb through his hair he slapped on some makeup and bolted for the door. Alix shouted over his shoulder to Jeordie that he would be back and grabbed his keys, puffing by the time he made it to his vintage coupe deville. He slipped into the driver seat and roared the engine to life, remembering about the time he turned off to the main road of town that he had forgotten his phone and his gun. Damn it to hell! He’d strangle someone of they so much hurt a hair on Kami’s head.

As he drove his adrenaline went crazy and all that mattered was getting to her apartment. He pegged in her address on his GPS and followed the twists and turns of the main strip of town till he got to the opposite edge. He’d made it across the whole town in ten minutes flat. Fuck the police, fuck driving laws right now. He screeched around a corner and made his way up the road to the apartment where she lived. After slamming his car into park he remembered he had his spare pistol in the glovebox. With a shout of triumph he popped the glovebox and stuffed the 45 into his coat pocket before making his way to Kami’s front door. He thought he heard crying and knocked on the door several times. When no one came to he slammed his weight into the door. No such luck. He took three steps back and focused on the weak spot of the door next to the doorknob, with a flying run he kicked the spot on the door and it snapped open with a sickening crack. He grabbed the gun from the pocket of his coat and burst into the house, scanning the room quickly with all of the precision of a cop.

”KAMI?! KAMI, IT’S ALIX. IF THERE IS ANYONE ELSE IN HERE, BE WARNED THAT I HAVE A GUN AND I WON’T HESITATE TO SHOOT!” He shouted as tried to look around the piles of boxes and half-finished computers all over the place.

Alix took three steps sideways and peeked around another pile of boxes. Careful as he could he wove his way through the piled up mess and looked for a hallway. He finally found the main hallway and carefully creeped down the hallway, holding his gun out in front of him with his finger on the trigger. So help him of someone hurt Kami. He carefully walked the last length of the hall and burst into Kami’s room, holding the gun out and looking around. He spotted Kami on the floor and fumbled with the safety on the gun before setting it on a nearby piece of furniture. There didn’t seem to be anyone here and she was in the floor and nothing made sense. He kneeled down and carefully picked her up under her back and legs, sweeping her up in one motion and setting her on the bed before taking a step back.

”Are you okay, Kami? Are you hurt? Do you need me to call a doctor or something?” Alix had genuine concern and panic in his eyes. So much for being suave.

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( words 993 ) ( tags kami/zed ) ( outfit here ) ( lyrics "zombie" by the cranberries ) ( credit this template was made by zee (a.k.a. FLUNK IS A FOUR LETTER WORD of caution 2.0). Steal, and you will wake up inside a snowman on the north flippin' pole. )

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[dr. kamala avani lakshmi]

i'm not a robot without emotions
I'M NOT WHAT YOU SEE
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

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Five minutes had turned into fifteen. Well, and why not? She had reason to feel sorry for herself. She was a failure. She couldn't do anything right. Hell, she couldn't even heal right, and that was supposed to be something that damn near anyone could do. But no, she'd managed to fuck that up, too!

Maybe it was psychosomatic. She hadn't wanted to go to the stupid dance after all, and her body had provided her with the perfect excuse. Can't go to the dance, sorry. I'm having a leg problem. The sheer absurdity of it made her want to laugh through her tears, but she couldn't muster up the energy to do so. She was tired. She was really, really tired. More tired than anyone had a right to be after all the sleep she'd just caught up on. But it was a deeper kind of tiredness, she supposed, and she knew this trap and she was adamantly not going to fall into it this time. She'd been depressed for a while after the accident, and as such she knew that sensation the minute it reared its ugly head. Don't be stupid, she snapped at herself. You can do it. There's crutches on the other side of the room. Just get to the damn crutches. You'll be fine if you can get back up onto the bed. Nothing happened. Move, dammit! she yelled at herself, but her body refused to move. Instead she just lay there on the floor sniveling. Pathetic! she half-howled inside her own head. Nobody's going to waltz in here and pick you up, you know! You can't rely on anybody else. You've never needed to. It's just you.

She tried to crawl over to the crutches, but her heart wasn't in it. She knew she had to get up, but it just felt so damn impossible. Any sort of feeling in her legs would be welcome right about now, even the painful tingling that meant her nerves were coming back online. It hurt like hell, but she wouldn't even mind that if it meant she'd be able to control her legs. Right now they were so useless to her they may as well have been a condom vending machine in the Vatican. Stupid, stupid, stupid tubes of bone and meat! If she could rip the damn things off and replace them with robot legs, she would. Actually, she'd been doing some research on that, but it was massively complicated. She'd need a lot more time and resources if she were to come with anything close to a working prototype that resembled how the human leg moved - which was surprisingly complicated.

Still, Kami refused to move, and she tucked her head into her chest and continued to cry bitterly.

Then she heard knocks on the door. Go away, she thought. Then there was a slam. That's odd, she thought, and then she heard the unmistakeable sound of a door lock breaking through the jamb, and whoever had decided it would be a good idea to get in was now in the apartment.

Oh hellfire.

Then she heard the shout, and that did nothing to relax her. In fact, she froze up completely. What the ever-living sweet holy fanciful fuck, she thought, but her throat was still closed up from crying and she couldn't say anything. Then the door to her room burst open and oh dear sweet Jesus he DID have a gun. That was not her favorite thing to see right now. Still, he seemed very concerned, and he picked her up under her back and her knees. Before she knew it, she was back on the bed.

Huh, so someone did waltz in and pick her up. You got lucky this time, she thought to herself. Finally her throat came unstuck and she said "No, I was just having a floor party. On the floor. By myself. Floor party." She was still reluctant to give the actual reason why her room was in such a state. She blinked at him; her glasses had come askew, and she corrected them. "You know, most people just call back," she said, trying for a joke.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
i've come to help you with your problems
SO WE CAN BE FREE

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tagged » Ren/Alix
words » 704
lyrics » mr. roboto - styx
music » Beatles playlist
notes » oh kami.

[alixandre rowan delacroix]

~ ♛ ~

IN YOUR HEAD, IN YOUR HEAD
T H E Y A R E F I G H T I N G



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Alix had never behaved this way. Not since—well, he promised himself he wouldn’t think about her again today. But Alix knew all too well what this feeling was. This uncontrollable, fierce urge to protect Kami from the world and from all the evil in it. And it honestly scared him shitless. He knew what these feelings meant and he didn’t want to be having them. Not about this woman who he didn’t know and this strange, beautiful creature whom he was entirely ill suited for. Although it was the word that was lingering, dancing even, on the edge of his brain that scared him. And as much as he tried to repress that word, to make it go away and make all of the attachments that went with it go away, all of the nasty emotional things he didn’t let himself feel anymore, the more it pressed on. He was--- he… Alix was falling in love with Kami and he hadn’t the faintest idea why. As soon as he let the word pass through his brain he felt his whole body go cold.

He would not allow himself to become so attached again. Every time he loved something and became attached to it, it ran away or died. And he would not go through the emotional turmoil he’d experienced when Sarafina died all over again. But all thoughts seemed to go out of his head when he stormed the staircase. He didn’t want to break the door and cause a scene. After all, Alix was always into the calmer, manipulative approach to situations. But as he tried the door and banged on it, yelling for Kami he began to feel the adrenaline pulsing through his veins. He would not allow anyone to hurt someone he cared about that deeply. And for some odd reason home invasion was the only logical explanation to his brain right now. So with all the trained skill of someone who had certainly done this before, he aimed, kicked and busted the door wide open. A very useful skill he thanked his old pals in high school for teaching him.

He slipped in and heard the silence of the house, no answer to his yell as he held the gun in his hands. He hoped something hadn’t happened in the time it took him to drive across town. If Kami had gotten hurt because he was not here to protect her, well he couldn’t bear that guilt. He wove with precision around the boxes, keeping his footsteps so light they were not able to be heard. He carefully avoided anything that would jingle or make any sort of noise if he stepped to close to it and the vibrations from the floorboards rattled it. He took in all of the computers and electronic things lying about with wide eyes. Well, he’d picked a techy this time around huh? He knew she seemed smart but damn, she was really smart if she knew how to take all this crap apart and put it back together.

Alixandre finally made it down the hall and by then his pulse was throbbing in his head and he’d begun to sweat. As he burst through the doorway to what appeared to be Kami’s bedroom he was aghast at the mess. Someone had knocked things over and there was her phone on the floor, near to her as she laid there. She looked so… fragile as Alix laid the gun down on the nearest flat surface and picked her up. He was gentle, meticulous even as he carefully deposited her back on the bed. He wanted to touch her and check her over for wounds but knew that he was not in the type of relationship with her that would permit that kind of behavior. Of course most colleagues didn’t burst into each other’s houses with guns and break their doors either. He’d have to make it up to her—the door that was.

When he heard her excuse Alix raised a painted on eyebrow in disbelief. A floor party, really?! Did she expect him to believe such bull? He shook his head and dropped down to his knees in front of her on the bed, looking her straight in the eyes and not breaking his stare as he spoke.

”Look, Kami, you don’t have to tell me what’s going on with you. Everyone needs their secrets,” He said with a sad tone that he quickly tried to cover up with his trademark smirk, ”But I know damn well you were not in that floor to party. I also owe you a door… erm, sorry about that. I’ll make it up to you. I hope I didn’t frighten you too bad? I just.. I heard you yell and I thought—I uhm, I thought maybe someone was hu-hurting you and I,” Damnit his voice cracked, ”I didn’t want anyone else I lo--- I ah, I care about get hurt.” So much for smooth.

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( words 830 ) ( tags kami/zed ) ( outfit here ) ( lyrics "zombie" by the cranberries ) ( credit this template was made by zee (a.k.a. FLUNK IS A FOUR LETTER WORD of caution 2.0). Steal, and you will wake up inside a snowman on the north flippin' pole. )

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[dr. kamala avani lakshmi]

i'm not a robot without emotions
I'M NOT WHAT YOU SEE
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -

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Kami tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear and belatedly realized that she must look an absolute mess. She was still in her pajamas, even - and she thanked any and all listening deities that she'd worn actual pajamas to bed (a matching set, one you'd get at a department store) as opposed to wearing an old t-shirt and probably not even pants if she was hot enough. Oh God. That would have been bad on so many levels.

The sudden eye contact was jarring for her - usually people didn't look her in the eyes. Maybe that was because she was intimidating; maybe that was just because her students were shorter than her. And when she was in her wheelchair, forget it; she was more or less ignored. Or pitied. Which was even worse than being ignored. At least when you were being ignored people had the decency not to look down on you.

Still, his concern - even though it did extend to breaking down her goddamn door instead of calling her back - was touching, in kind of a weird way. "Thank you," she said, appreciating his willingness to let the matter lie. She placed one of her hands on top of his. It was good that somebody understood that she couldn't talk about it.

"I can make any place a party, just watch," she sniffed, but she was willing to let that old ruse die. It had been a crappy one in the first place, born more of sarcasm than any actual attempt at explaining her situation. Because she couldn't come up with a reason for being on the floor in her pajamas and not getting up and screaming nonsense at her phone other than the fact that her legs did not even come close to being functional. Just to check, she tried to wiggle her toes. Nothing. Not even a twitch. She sighed. Yeah, today was going to be a bad day for it.

A bit of the old mischief returned to her eyes as she listened to him talk. "Yes, you did break that thing down, didn't you? How'd you manage that? Seen too many movies, perhaps?" She laughed, but it was a kind laugh - she'd have done the same, if she'd been as worried and also in full control of her useless meat tubes that most people called legs.

She shook her head. "No, nobody was hurting me. I was just...frustrated." Frustrated was a mild term. Getting ready to rip the damn place down with her bare hands was more accurate - if she could have managed to do so through her tears. "Anyway, I think--I think I have to call someone and tell them I'm ill and can't chaperone the thing tonight. I'll have to take a rain check on that dance, I'm afraid," she said with a brave smile. It was just as well. She didn't want to try and dance normally, especially not today, when half the day would likely consist of pain as the dead nerves in her legs were reawakened. She'd settled in for a long day of drifting in and out of consciousness. Trust me to turn my injury into a chronic illness, she thought. I'm paralyzed and I have self-inflicted fibromyalgia. Or close enough to it.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
i've come to help you with your problems
SO WE CAN BE FREE

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tagged » Ren/Alix
words » 570
lyrics » mr. roboto - styx
music » a whole mess of Dido
notes » kami what am I going to do with you stahp

[alixandre rowan delacroix]

Alixandre could not begin to describe the relief he felt when he realized that Kami was not hurt. She was okay and the world would continue spinning. As much as he was both excited and upset by the thought, he realized that somehow he’d fallen for Kami. There was some sort of tough, determination in her that he admired and craved. She was the complete opposite of the type of girl he went for, but didn’t they say opposites attracted each other? He’d quickly become like a moth to a flame when it came to Kami, and he desperately craved a closeness to her that wasn’t the typical physical, sexual type of closeness he usually wanted from a woman. He craved an emotional connection with her that scared the absolute shit out of him. He needed her in his life, by his side even. But as usual he was afraid to get too close to people. When he got too close to people, they left him. Sarafina and his father, hell even Jeordie at one point, were prime examples of that.

There was something inside of him that wanted him to try again. Perhaps Kami would be the one that wouldn’t leave him. He wouldn’t lose her like he did the others. He looked at Kami as he kneeled before her and felt something tugging in him to tell her exactly how he felt. When her hand was placed on top of his, Alix looked down and back up at Kami with the hint of a smile at the edges of his lips. When she made the crack about making any place a party he smiled in spite of himself. He tried not to laugh as he raised an eyebrow at her. He didn’t doubt she could make anywhere she went a party. She had a beautiful, natural glow and charisma about her. One of the things that had originally attracted him to her. He carefully shifted his hand around and rubbed the top of Kami’s hand with his thumb, a motion that was extremely un-Alix-like of him.

He looked down embarrassedly as she mentioned the door. He would replace it, definitely. But he couldn’t help but feel like a fool for having gone all Commando on her house. He didn’t want to tell her about the few years he spent studying military police tactics, having wanted to go into the army here in the US, and just nodded solemnly at the suggestion that he got the knowledge from movies. The fact he had wanted to join the army had been something he’d never been comfortable sharing with anyone, because it was one of the only times he’d failed. He had been told by the military psychiatrists that he was not mentally fit to be in the army, of course this rash decision had come on the heels of Sarafina’s death, and he had been sent home without even finishing boot camp. It was an embarrassment he didn’t want to share. Ever.

When Alixandre heard her say she would have to call in and tell them she was ill, he frowned momentarily. He hoped she didn’t think he was going to be upset by that. He was far too ecstatic that she was alive and breathing and largely unharmed to care about a silly dance. He raised his hand and paused, not sure if he wanted to do what he was about to do. He carefully brought his hand down to her knee, letting it rest there before taking a deep breath. Kami needed to know how he felt. He was compelled to tell her, and it was something he knew he needed to handle now rather than later. He brought his other hand up and gently ran the back of his hand down her jawline, smiling at her and trying to gather his courage and ignore the beating of his heart.

”I—I feel like I need to tell you this, Kami, before my bravery fails me. I don’t know what caused it, or how it started but I, uhm, well, I’ve fallen for you, Kami. Hard. Perhaps irrationally. And when I thought you were being hurt, hell itself could not have stopped me from coming here to make sure you were safe. You’ve quickly come to mean a lot to me, Dr. Lakshmi, for reasons even I can’t comprehend. I hope that—uh, well, that you’ll give me the opportunity to prove to you that I can care for you. I want there to be many opportunities for us to dance together, tonight doesn’t matter to me. In the long run, having you in my future, as my future, is all that matters. I want to—well, this is kind of difficult, but, I believe I’ve fallen in love with you, Kami. I only hope you’ll give me the opportunity to prove I’m more than the pompous, self-righteous git that people make me out to be.” He said in his deep, rumbling voice as he took Kami’s hands in his own with a shy smile that looked out of place compared to his usual set of expressions.

▐ T A G G E D » KAMI/ZEDDDD
▐ W O R D S » 0 8 5 9
▐ O U T F I T » Clicketh
▐ L Y R I C S » PANIC AT THE DISCO
▐ N O T E S » WHEEEE WHY ALIX WHY OMG STAAAAAAHP.
▐ C R E D I T S » TO BROOKE FROM CAUTION!

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